21 Ways It Could Be Worse
Life is hard. Being a parent is really hard. Sometimes when I’m having one of “those” days with Caroline (the kind ending in ‘y’), I try to remind myself that it could always be worse. The following examples are not meant to be taken seriously, and I’m really sorry if any of them describe your actual situation:
It could be worse…
You could wake up from routine surgery in a coffin.
It could be worse…
You could be cursed by a voodoo witch doctor to have rancid smelling gas every time you have an orgasm.
It could be worse…
You could be the last dodo bird left on earth. Every day you look around, but there are no other dodos to be found anywhere. Your mortality is facing you. Death is around the corner. Extinction of your species is imminent. But even worse…you realize you aren’t getting any more dodo ass for the rest of your natural dodo life.
It could be worse…
You could be the only one in the leper colony not picked for dodge-ball.
It could be worse…
You could have just hot-glued yourself to the wall of your rec room, but you refuse to call out for help, because you just hot-glued yourself to the wall of your rec room.
It could be worse…
You could be a giraffe with a really short neck.
It could be worse…
Your parents could be experimental psychologists who just lost their licenses for illegal testing on human subjects. The next morning you wake up with 1,000 volts taped to your body, a dozen sticky-pad sensors all over your head, and a cork in your mouth.
It could be worse…
You could be pulled over for having a broken tail light when you have a body in the trunk.
It could be worse…
You could be kidnapped by a group of Mexican bandits that force you to suck the udder of a wild goat named Bonaboo.
It could be worse…
You could fall in love with a goat named Bonaboo, knowing full well that it would never be accepted by your family because he’s not Southern Baptist.
It could be worse…
Your middle name could be Deathgiver.
It could be worse…
Your parents could be such Stark Trek fanatics the only language they taught you from birth was Kling-on.
It could be worse…
You could be on a trip in India, on a long dirt road in the middle of nowhere, and have to take a crap really bad. So you run over to the tall grass on the side of the road, and since no one is around, you pull down your pants to take a dump, when suddenly you get bitten on the ass by a cobra. Now you really have to shit, a cobra just bit you on the ass, and you are in the middle of nowhere.
It could be worse…
You could realize your landlord has set up a web cam in your bathroom and is charging people $39.95 to see you singing naked in the shower.
It could be worse…
You could have all your fingers chopped off by the mob, only for them to find out minutes later that they got the wrong guy.
It could be worse…
You could accidentally drop in a fourth-cup of rat poison instead of flour while baking a batch of your famous oatmeal raisin cookies for your brand new in-laws.
It could be worse…
Your legal name, with which you have to sign all documents, could be one of the following: One-Eyed Jack, Six-Toed Joe, Hump-Back Jane, One-Armed Rita, Cross-Eyed Becky, Peg-Leg Kyle, Buck-Toothed Wally, Flabby-Armed Rhonda or Webb-Footed Charlie.
It could be worse…
You could be trapped in a giant web with a huge 8-eyed furry spider closing in to spin you in a silken web too strong for you to ever escape it. After being wrapped up like a soft shell taco, you are then pierced by the spider’s venomous fangs. Thankfully, you are paralyzed beyond feeling when the spider sucks out your liquid remains, leaving only your skeleton and sack of skin to dangle in the graveyard of previous web victims.
It could be worse…
You could get your genitalia caught in an electric mixer.
It could be worse…
You could survive a horrible plane crash atop a snowy mountain range in the Andes. Trapped for weeks, you are forced to start finding unorthodox sources of nourishment… namely Aunt Edna. Unfortunately, Aunt Edna’s eccentric lifestyle causes her to taste like mothballs, corn liquor and sauerkraut.
It could be worse…
You could be Aunt Edna.
A special thanks to my friend Kevin Howard for lending his likeness to the Flabby-Armed Rhonda license, and for suggesting some of the ways life could be worse. We used to play this game back and forth with each other in our twenties, and it really helped!