• 07
    Jun
    2016
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    About the Child
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Baby Seeds

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This morning, whilst driving to summer camp, I thought Caroline and I would have a nice casual conversation. For some reason, I decided to make the topic about siblings. Seemingly innocent. WRONG. It went awry, quickly. Because, as usual, I’m an idiot.

Me: Would you like a little sister or brother someday Caroline? Would you like it if mommy got pregnant?
C: You mean a boy would put his wee wee in you!??
Me: [Why did I start this conversation. Whyyyy.] Oh god, who told you that!? [When I find out the punk kid from school who told her, I’m gonna…]
C: You did!
Me: [Damnit, that’s right, I did! Why did I do that? It must have been back when I was on that honesty kick. Why would I be honest!?] Oh, right. Yeah. Well, no, if I did it, uh, I would have a doctor put baby seeds in my tummy.
C: How would the doctor get the baby seeds?
Me: [Screw being honest, I haven’t had my coffee.] Yeah I’m a little fuzzy on the details, but a baby doctor would know.
C: How would you get the seeds in you… swallow them?
Me: [mumbles] Well only if you care. I mean, no.
C: Huh?
Me: Nothing, nevermind. [whyyyyyyyy did I do this to myself]
C: So how do they get in there?
Me: [Starts speeding to arrive at destination.] Well, uh… the doctor would put them into my tummy where the baby would grow.
C: Yeah, I know that, but how?
Me: [Starts sweating.] Well, the doctor, uh, would put the baby seeds in… through… my vagina. [Why did I say that? Stop being honest right-the-fuck-now!]
C: What does a baby seed look like?
Me: [How can I fucking end this conversation.] Well, you know, mommy doesn’t have too many occasions to see baby seeds. Uh, but, maybe we can google it later. [Nervous laughter, please end now.]
C: So does everyone have a baby doctor put seeds in their baginas?
Me: [Continues speeding to arrive at destination] Uh, no, no, uh–well, no. [Please make no associations, please make no associations] There is another more direct method. [Diversion tactic!] Hey are you excited about camp today!?
C: [Ignores question] So… can I get a baby in my tummy from baby seeds?
Me: [PANIC PANIC PANIC] No, no you cannot. No. The answer is no. Nopety nope nope. [Why in the HELL are we not at summer camp yet…honks horn.] Well, someday you can, when you’re older. Uh, see, your body will change… [Ohmygod STOP TALKING]
C: Wad’ya mean?
Me: [Fuck] Okay, well… [ABSOLUTELY DO NOT DISCUSS MENSTRUATION] It’s when you get your boobies. Like, you know how I have boobies? Well, you need boobies to feed a baby. So that’s when you can, technically speaking. [Phew, this should end it. Good thinkin’.]
C: When will I get my boobies?
Me: Usually around like 11 or 12 years old.
C: So I can have a baby when I’m 12?
Me: [Dear god, what have I done, I have hit every land mine possible] No! Well, I mean, yes, technically, but NO! See, babies are expensive, and they cost a lot of money, and you won’t have a job, and you have to be married first anyway, and, well there’s all kinds of reasons.
C: But you’re not married…
Me: [Whips the car into the summer camp parking lot like an insane bat out of hell] WE’VE ARRIVED. We’ll talk about it later.
C: But…
Me: Later. Love you! Have a good day!

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